If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
there's paper in my vomit.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
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She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
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I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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