Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
