How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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