I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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