Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
