That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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