dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
