i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
No...this little piggys going to the bar
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
