just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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