what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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