I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
