Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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