So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
