Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
