What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
