So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
