I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
