I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Someone shattered a urinal.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Randomize
