saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
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Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
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I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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