4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
