This dress was meant to end up on your floor
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
