i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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