Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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