All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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