I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
