"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
