I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
