Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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