and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I met the friendliest cop last night
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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