I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Randomize
