Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
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