I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
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I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
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