Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
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