all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
