I accidentally burped into my bong.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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