We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
