happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
