Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
