god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
