Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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