I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
