i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
