fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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