I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
