My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
