the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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