Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
We left the knife in your bed.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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