this boner is exhausting
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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