Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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