Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
