I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My dad just said "fuck circus"
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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