dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
