I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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