Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
