Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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