You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
