Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
