And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Randomize
