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just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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