I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
