Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
