his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
